What do you do when someone communicates a  message to you that you find hard to hear?   Most of us do not like to receive negative feedback or any information that will shake up our world and force us to move from our comfort zone (using the common term for any place other than where we feel competent and somewhat complacent.)  Yet most of us know that we are in danger if those around us keep those messages from us.  What if our managers don't  tell us that they are displeased with our performance until the problems become so great that we lose our credibility?  What if our direct reports fail to share their discontents or needs with us and leave the company instead?  In our case, what if our clients fail to tell us when we aren't meeting their expectations and merely take their work elsewhere? 

We all need to hear the hard messages.  Of course the way we react to the sender will determine whether we continue to get valuable feedback.  Through my coaching and consulting work, I have observed  constructive and destructive responses from those who receive hard messages.  Those who respond defensively are doomed to live with a lack of information in the future.  Most  "senders" of hard messages won't do it again if they are punished for it. 

Not too long ago I met with a manager to discuss the report  he had received from a 360 degree feedback process.  Rather than carefully considering his raters'  perceptions of his leadership style, he spent most of the time trying to figure out who had said what and why the comments came from the rater's own personal agenda with him rather than from valid issues that he should address.  

On the other hand, recently I conducted a 360 feedback process through personal interviews.  Several of those I interviewed had some tough things to say about my coaching client.  When I shared the information with her, rather than showing great distress or anger at what she was hearing, she acknowledged that many of the comments were valid.  She described the circumstances that tended to lead to her less than exemplary behavior.  Together we explored ways that she might control either the circumstances and/or her behavior.  She is planning to discuss her commitments to address their concerns with her direct reports. 

My guess is that the manager who was willing to "hear" and act on the feedback will be able to become a stronger, more effective leader.  The manager who dismissed the feedback and sought to punish those who gave it won't last long in his position.  

Of course not all feedback is valid.  Some who give it may be functioning from the standpoint of their own personal agendas.  I am not recommending that any of us become reactive to negative messages.  I am recommending that we attempt to control our defensiveness and consider the feedback carefully.  We might ask ourselves why the senders might have the opinions that they expressed.  We might look for patterns in the feedback to assess the consistency or lack of consistency in the messages.  When we find inconsistencies, we might ask ourselves whether we act differently with different people, and if so, why.  Perhaps we have good reasons for the inconsistencies, perhaps not. 

Finally we should value and reward those who were courageous to give us honest feedback.  When we are given the chance to learn how others see us, we have been given a gift.  Treat it with care.