Communicating the hard messages to clients is not an easy task.  Likewise, from the client’s point of view, hearing the hard messages is not painless.   This raises the following question for me:  What is the psychological contract between the coach/consultant and the client?  My 27 years of experience in the consulting and coaching field tells me that the implicit contract frequently differs from the explicit.  Like all competent consultants, I work with my clients at the beginning of a coaching relationship or project to clarify their needs and our respective roles.   However, I have found that many of my clients are not prepared to hear bad news or information that would imply that they must change to achieve their personal, professional or organizational goals.

Few of us really welcome the experience of confronting our own weaknesses.  Changing our perspectives or, even worse, our behavior is difficult for most of us.  We like to think we are open to change until confronted with the real need to do so.  

I remember the first time I was told that I needed to lose weight.  My first reaction was to deny it.  I kept telling myself that I was older and that of course I would gain weight with age.  When I found that my jeans didn’t fit, I finally acknowledged that I might be overweight.  However instead of changing my exercise and eating habits, I looked for a quick fix.  I tried crash diets and herbal weight loss remedies.  When that didn’t work, I merely went out and bought new jeans! 

Although I was working hard to avoid the reality of my weight gain, I kept hoping that my actions would solve the problem without a real behavior change on my part.  Of course I would have succeeded in looking and feeling better more quickly if I chosen to change without delay once I received the initial feedback about my weight gain.  Instead I wasted my energy fighting the “messenger” and the personal changes that I needed to make.  On the other hand, the “messenger” could have delivered the feedback more effectively.  I felt pushed and, therefore, became resistant to the change that was implied.  I focused more on discrediting the messenger than on considering the validity of the message.  

Advice to Consultants

So how do we consultants and coaches assist clients who don’t want to change?  First, we must acknowledge that our clients may not be ready for change even if they have procured our services to help them.  One of my colleagues is a therapist.  Recently she said,  “Kathy, just because a client comes to my office with a fistful of money and asks me to help her stop smoking doesn’t mean that she is really ready to give up cigarettes.”  Second, even if clients are motivated to change, they are likely to experience ambivalence that will lead to fluctuations in commitment.  If we push too hard when they are experiencing ambivalence, they may merely become more resistant.  Thirdly, we must realize that we cannot make our clients change.  The choices are theirs to make. 

I believe that our role as consultants and coaches is to deliver the hard messages to our clients clearly yet unemotionally.  Then we must step back and let them make their own choices.  If we really believe that the client must change his/her behavior in order to achieve stated goals, we should say so.  We can help them explore the ambivalence that they will feel when hearing these messages.  We can help them envision the possible consequences of the various courses of action that they could take. However we must be dispassionate enough to allow them the latitude to make their own decisions. 

Advice to Clients

If you are the recipient of the hard messages my advice is to watch for the resistance traps.  Emotionally intelligent people have enough self-awareness to catch themselves before they ‘shoot the messenger’, deny, resist, or engage in thoughts or behaviors that will undermine their achieving their goals.  Accept the natural ambivalence that will always accompany change.  However, don’t allow yourself to get lost in it.  Push through to a conclusion that will provide you with the results that you desire.  Once you have chosen a path to follow, develop a personal action plan.  I like to advise my coaching clients to list realistic steps that they will take each day or each week as they pursue the changes that will lead them to achieve their goals.